Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Engineer (1) - Getting to Know One

The compilation regarding "The Engineer" is quite long. I have broken it into series. The next one will be published in due course. The compilation, continued from "Watch and You Will See (Engineer vs Lawyer)", may be of benefit to some, who may want to get to know an engineer, a little bit better, a little bit closer.

The article below was written by my former superior at workplace. A little editing  was done in order not to disclose our former workplace. However, I think, many will be able to guess pretty accurately where the work place was. Here it goes...

Engineers appraisal

People who work in technical field are not like other Joe public. To them, all matters in the universe can be categorised into 2 categories: 
           (image credit : Bulldozer00'sblog)
- things needing fixing
- things needing fixing after they have tinkered and screwed them up
This is to satisfy their insatiable lust for problem creating and solving. Just like computers, which are solutions waiting for problems. 

If things ain't broke, then it doesn't have enuf features yet.

When it comes to dressing, clothes is the lowest priority to an engineer. If the rags they put on comply to weather protection and basic dakwah coverage, then anything more is a waste of money and intelligence. 
(image credit : clipartreview.com)
Just look at Ir. Flintstone, for example. Because of this non-ISO9000 dressing, engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function and make poor impression on the opposite sex. 

Fortunately engineers are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, gajibuta, honest and handy around the house. For these reasons and despite the fact that not many girls want to date engineers, they have intense but silent desire to catch one as a future husband.

But engineers do have their years of attraction if you girls can wait long enough. A study by Johnsons and Masters, supported by archeological records indicate that male engineers can and most often only reach peak sexual drawing power much later than normal people...like Gates, MacGyver and Einstein.

Unfortunately for them, by this time their wives have already left home long time ago and on true physical measurement, the engineer's sexual performance is reduced by 98.32%.

Engineers are always honest, believe me. They will admit without shame and almost with ego that they are 98.32% impotent i.e. accurate to the nearest second decimal point. It's a good precaution to keep them away from customers, particularly girls and people who get insulted by truth.

Nevertheless, engineers are also capable of lying sometimes to avoid work when they have other priorities beyond their technical control, like having to go to the petrol station early in the morning to pump their car tyres to 28.7 psi at ambient temperature of 26.5 Celcius, as the manual recommend.

To avoid work or buy delays, they will give what they regard as intelligent excuses like:
- 'I won't change anything without asking you first.'
- 'I need a new tool to do this job.'
which no fool believes.

When an engineer's hormones drive him to do work and when given an assignment, he will seize it with intense desire and will consider it as the most important job in the world, almost to the exclusion of everything else in the environment.

Watch out. The owner who gives him the assignment will soon realise he is about to lose control over the project. By the time you finished reading this, the owner will already have lost complete control.
(image credit : wikimedia.org)
Working around solid and safe concrete, steel, copper and titanium, engineers hate risk and failure. He also hates the press. When he makes a small and rare mistake, the media seems to have intense desire to blow it up.

Like 3rd August blackout. When cornered, engineers, driven by hormones again, will spring out their typical intelligent but bull excuses like: 
    (image credit :img.tfd.com) 
- 'it's very complicated to explain'
- 'though technically solvable, It would cost too much'.
Which, again, no fool believes.

Back on the street, how to spot a true engineer? Egowise, he thinks he is smart, yet lookwise he is sloppy-dressed. Jigwise, he displays as many cool devices as can be carried:

(image credit : pisymbol.com) 
- handset with metal halide battery
- palmtop with backup batteries
- scientific calculator with 100Mb ram
- test pens, mini avometer, IEEE class
- set of Stanley screwdrivers
- Rotring pens and refills
- marker pens, all glowing colors
- Board of Engineers tie
- Redwing safety shoes & kevlar socks
- and other items, not limited to the above, necessary to complete a working engineer.

Looks more like a technical clown.

Engineers like to help others. If in a crowded street a damsel in distress shouts for help on a problem that cannot be solved, an engineer will be the first to jump up and volunteer for rescue. He will immediately declare a battle with the problem and when solved (long after being divorced by longing wife, deserted by the children and possibly the damsel too), he will experience a body rush greater than sex. This is where his remaining 1.68% testorone rises to this rare occasion.

But, as in most cases, should a rickshaw puller passing by gave a hard kick on the blackbox and hey! Presto!…. solve the problem, the engineer will suffer instant mental blackout and great dishonour. He will automatically proceed on a journey towards premature death.

At this point TNGen* (*a division in our company) will come to the rescue and hire him.
~ The end ~ 
(image credit : gallery.neoseeker.com)
Wondering where the rickshaw puller and the damsel disappeared.

--------copyright reserved. Bacaria.  

Here's one from Kerala - Parent were looking for a
suitor. (Her father was an engineer too?)
The red-underlined reads
"software engineers please excuse"

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